dear diary: 10/17/24

I've been feeling quite bad. 

I drank too much on Sunday, lost all of Monday to a hangover, surrendered Tuesday to depression, and spent the majority of Wednesday with a stabbing migraine.

This migraine followed me into Thursday (today), but I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is an older Japanese man who speaks decent English, and he said, "Life is very long. Don't try to move too fast." 

I read all of Mieko Kawakami's Heaven today. It's not a very long book, but I was completely captivated by it. It's the second Kawakami book I've read, following Breasts and Eggs, one of my all-time favorites. 

The story was beautiful and painful. Not that I expected anything less from Kawakami. It's been a while since I've read a book in English, and I'd forgotten how therapeutic it can be. I used to read extensively. Roughly five to ten novels per month, depending on length. 

When I moved to Japan, I felt guilty for consuming anything in English. Today, I needed the comfort of a book in my native language. 

After my appointment, I wanted more books. It was a sort of desperate and stupidly simple craving. I knew that there was a Tsutaya that sold English language books nearby, so I walked there. I saw the entire Twilight series and briefly considered buying them. (I didn't.)

Instead, I got two English-translated books from Japanese authors. The Woman in the Purple Skirt by Natsuko Imamura and There's No Such Thing As An Easy Job by Kikuko Tsumura. I haven't decided which I want to read first. Tomorrow I'll go to a cafe to read (by then I'll decide which) and write. That'll be nice. 

I ate curry for dinner at my local Coco. It never disappoints. A middle-aged woman works there, and I always see her when I go. She has a very comforting aura. When she smiles at me, I feel... safe. In the way familiarity feels safe. 

I'm genuinely not sure if any of this is coherent. I feel spaced out. 

I have so much free time waiting for my visa to change over. I feel like I'm wasting it. 

Well, life is long. I guess.