Hello, blog.
Hello, world.
This blog has really fallen to the wayside as of late. Honestly, I didn't know what the hell to even talk about. My last few posts were about my rape, and the posts before that were these academic-adjacent views into gyaru, which I still more or less agree with but am no longer interested in continuing.
I felt like the next thing I posted had to be profound in some way. A personal essay with the right words and the right takes. I don't have those, and I'm okay with that. What I think this will be instead is a minor update and perhaps the start of a new "era" for this blog.
I'm leaving Tokyo. I fly out on August 5th. The closer I get to my departure date, the more complicated my feelings become.
I cry a lot, but that's not really an indicator of anything. I am, quite simply, a crier. Happy, sad, frustrated -- I'm crying.
In spite of all the terrible things that have happened to me (which seem innumerable at this point), I still love Tokyo. I still love Japan. Even though I'm nearly certain Japan does not love me and is probably celebrating my exodus. But I have to believe that love in whatever capacity -- even unrequited -- is not wasted.
The lover is the winner. The lover is the winner. I'm repeating it until I believe it.
These days I feel more like a loaded gun than a woman. I'm buoyed by my anger. It has allowed me to accomplish so much in a short amount of time, all of which depression alone would've never permitted, but it's also eating me alive. I need a better outlet. I need to put it to good use, or I'm pretty sure I'm going to fucking die.
Truth is, I've always felt pretty blasé about my own death. I've wanted to kill myself since I was 8, and while in the 22 years since I've experimented with realizing that childhood vision, I've more or less settled on the fact that I'm going to die anyway, so I'll just let nature take its course.
In the meantime, I feel strongly that I ought to do something about this horrorshow in which we live, or at least do what I can, which is admittedly not a lot. But I've got to do something. I don't want to live in a world where people do nothing. And that is the primary reason Japan and I are breaking up.
It's difficult to publicly talk about Japan without summoning the worst legions of the Internet. There are the Japanese nationalists who take any opportunity to be sexist or xenophobic, the Western glazers who believe Japan is a utopia (they may or may not have actually visited Japan), the expats currently living in Japan who derive their self-worth from their ability to endure without complaint and see any critique of Japan as a failure of the complainant rather than the very real systemic failures.
With all of that in mind, I'm just going to say how I feel.
Japan has hurt me, and it can't help me heal.
One thing I'm left with after everything that's happened to me is this burning desire to help others, and I don't feel like I'm equipped to do that in Japan. I've got no real ties here. I'm not vying for permanent residency, nor am I married to a Japanese national. My grasp of the language is subpar at best. I wasn't making a lot of money, and I basically lost all interest in teaching. Politically and socially, Japan is becoming increasingly hostile to outsiders, although this is a historic issue. The culture itself, though beautiful in many ways, also suffers from deeply ingrained misogyny with seemingly no real push to change. Ultimately, it just doesn't feel like my fight.
Beyond that, I currently require the support of a warmer culture. I need to feel like I belong, which is just not something a homogeneous nation like Japan can offer me. It's as simple and as complicated as that.
I don't really know what's next for me, but I'm choosing to see that as exciting. I've decided that my life will be about the pursuit of experience, the pursuit of joy and laughter and love. Failure and suffering are inevitable, sure, but it's still worth the fight.
Even if I never find what I'm looking for, I will be content in the journey. When I die, I will know that I tried. That I dedicated my life to goodness and empathy and that I loved people with my entire heart. And that will be enough.
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