letter from the editor: body image

Rafael Lanfranco

Dear reader,

This post is a bit weird. I'm unsure if I'm settled on the format (that is, this "letter from the editor" style), but, goddammit, this is my blog, I'm a star, and I can do what I want. 

I'm delighted with the direction my blog's taken and the stuff I've been posting. I'm proud of it. Nevertheless, I've begun to feel like an outsider looking in. An anthropologist studying a group rather than participating in it. Granted, I'm still a "practicing" gyaru in everyday life, but I haven't documented it. I haven't posted pictures of my coordinates or even myself with friends in diary entries. I want to. Desperately. But recently, I've been feeling down about my body. 

It's a number of things. I am 28 years old now, and my body has naturally changed since my early twenties. I also stopped taking birth control for the first time in 13 years, which has resulted in bloating, breakouts, and overall dissatisfaction with my body. I'm sure this is a temporary feeling (as most emotions are), but it's liberating to talk about. Even if I'm just yapping into the ether. 

I don't want it to stop me. If anything, this'll be a good chance to practice some self-grace, self-patience, self-love. All those good things. 

In times of doubt, I remember a passage from one of Carrie Fisher's memoirs, in which she discusses how insecure she was in her youth (particularly regarding her body image) but how, as she grew older, she came to cherish and respect her younger self. And you know what Carrie was like, so she framed it in that irreverent, self-deprecatingly funny way of hers, effectively chastising young Carrie for ever being so self-critical. 

I bet I'll feel the same in a couple of decades. But in the moment, it's harder to remember. 

I know you're asking why I'm telling you all this. To be completely honest, I don't know. I think I'm saying it to myself. This blog is essentially a love letter to me. By that logic, I am the object of my own affection. Therefore, I should treat myself and my body as a lover would. 

I'll try to keep that in mind from now on. You should, too. 

All my love,

Lexie 

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